Fresh Start Fitness

I lost almost one hundred pounds, which is close to the weight of my seventh grader. My body is healthier, stronger, and more attractive to me. In many ways, my life is better because of the success I’ve had on this journey (which you can read about in my post, “Transforming My Body”). But, there are other parts to this journey that are difficult, painful, and confusing.

1. Loose skin. I expected my skin would be stretched out, but I also expected to be okay with it. I thought I wouldn’t care what I look like naked, only about what I look like with clothes on. After I lost the weight, I no longer felt insecure about being fat. Instead I felt insecure about my excess skin.

2. Men treat me differently. It took me awhile to figure out what was happening: I was at a Starbucks and a man offered to buy my drink, but I thought he was trying to tell me I dropped my wallet. I was running outside and a man honked at me and waved, but I thought he was trying to tell me to get off the road. I notice men following me with their eyes when I walk past them at the gym in tight pants. I’m a human, specifically a woman, and I can admit that I like the way it feels to be attractive to men. But at the same time, it makes me feel suspicious and sad.

3. It’s a moving target. First, I just wanted to lose enough weight to be healthy. Then it was just 15 more pounds to be thin. Then 10 more pounds to fit into an arbitrary size. Loose skin, stretch marks, boob lift. Spend more money to buy new clothes. Run faster. Lift heavier. Burn more calories. It’s a constant cycle of being unsatisfied.

4. It takes work to maintain it. Food can be comforting, fun, and is an important part of sharing an experience with someone. I miss some of the fun of overeating, like Taco Bell in my bed at 10pm. I don’t enjoy going to restaurants because I feel anxiety about what to order. I carve out a lot of my time to exercise. I have to go to bed early so I can wake up early. I am at the grocery store every other day buying fresh food instead of ordering pizza on days that we are in a hurry, and even though I know it’s better for us, it’s a lot of work.

5. It’s psychologically hard to accept a new body. I could not accept my overweight body and often felt I didn’t recognize my reflection. The same was true when I lost the weight: I would see myself in a storefront window and think it was someone else. After my tummy tuck I would rub my hands on my belly and feel like I was touching a stranger. Sometimes I miss my old body and my old way of thinking! I knew that person for over thirty years. The new me might be an improvement in some ways, but the old me was pretty great, too.